Scott’s Blog

On Wednesday September 1st we’re having another day of prayer and fasting. The first thing most people ask when they hear about that is simply; Why do it?
I realize that fasting is new or even a bit crazy sounding to some of us, but I have found it to be a powerful thing in my own life and I want to encourage you to participate with us this time to whatever degree you’re able. You might be surprised at what God will do.
The reason we fast is because the Bible expects us to. Jesus did not say “if you fast…” he said “When you fast…”
In my experience fasting opens my heart and mind to God’s eternal perspective on everything I’m dealing with. Fasting once again helps me anchor my passions and appetites in heaven with God rather than on the things that are happening around me.
According to the Bible there are six reasons we fast:
1. For Jesus to come back
Matthew 9:14-15
14 One day the disciples of John the Baptist came to Jesus and asked him, “Why don’t your disciples fast like we do and the Pharisees do?” 15 Jesus replied, “Do wedding guests mourn while celebrating with the groom? Of course not. But someday the groom will be taken away from them, and then they will fast.

2. For help in a new venture in ministry
Matthew 4:1-2
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted there by the devil. 2 For forty days and forty nights he fasted and became very hungry.
Acts 13:3
So after more fasting and prayer, the men laid their hands on them and sent them on their way.

3. To avert some danger or threat
Ezra 8:21
And there by the Ahava Canal, I gave orders for all of us to fast and humble ourselves before our God. We prayed that he would give us a safe journey and protect us, our children, and our goods as we traveled
2 Samuel 12:16
David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground.

4. To express sorrow and loss
2 Samuel 1:12
They mourned and wept and fasted all day for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the LORD’s army and the nation of Israel, because they had died by the sword that day.
1 Chronicles 10:12
all their mighty warriors brought the bodies of Saul and his sons back to Jabesh. Then they buried their bones beneath the great tree at Jabesh, and they fasted for seven days.

5. To express repentance and grief for sin
Joel 2:12-13
That is why the LORD says, “Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning. 13 Don’t tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead.” Return to the LORD your God, for he is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish.

6. Not for the praise of men
Matthew 6:16-18
“And when you fast, don’t make it obvious, as the hypocrites do, for they try to look miserable and disheveled so people will admire them for their fasting. I tell you the truth, that is the only reward they will ever get. 17 But when you fast, comb your hair and wash your face. 18 Then no one will notice that you are fasting, except your Father, who knows what you do in private. And your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.
The theme of our fast this time is expressing repentance for our pride and lack of brokenness. Pride is something every one of us struggles with in a huge way and pride stifles the hand of God in my life and the life of our church family. The Broken 35 is a resource we put together that has been adapted from Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book; “Brokenness, the Heart God Revives” to help us uncover our tendency to pride.
So this Wednesday join us by fasting for a meal or the full day and by seeking God. Take some time and prayerfully consider the 35 statements on the provided resource to help you uncover the pride resident in your heart, and then join us at 7:00 as we spend time in prayer before God and worshipping together. We will meet in the auditorium.

See you then!

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Quick and Violent?
I showed up at football practice yesterday for the freshman team that I help coach. I love it. The boys are all about 14 years old. They know they aren’t little boys any more; their brains have had this rush of testosterone that is part of God’s way of preparing them for manhood. Yet they have the judgment of a buck who thinks he can cross the road in front of a semi-truck and survive. Yesterday one of my guys came up to me before practice;
“Hey coach; you’re a priest aren’t you?”
“Not really; I’m a pastor.”
“Right, whatever, same thing, anyway, how come you’re always telling us to be quick and violent if you’re a priest? Aren’t you supposed to be all about peace and love and all that stuff?”
A football practice is not the place for deep philosophical discussions. I (quickly) explained that there was nothing unloving about being quick and violent in a football game and, in fact, being quick and violent is probably the way to be loving as a football player. But the mere presence of an apparent contradiction between being a pastor and coaching football in a way that encourages players to be “quick and violent” in absolutely everything they do on the football field got me thinking yet gain about the impression people get of our faith. And, remember, people get their impressions of our faith from us.
In this young man’s life someone who is dedicated to Jesus (or in his mind, religion or church) is someone that has muted their personality and sits in a corner smiling and humming so the world around then doesn’t hurt them. I pray and hope and work for the day when there will be no contradiction in his mind between a man that is completely surrendered to Jesus and a man who is purpose driven, others centered, tender hearted, full of integrity, heartily and humbly leading his family and community forward in submission to a Holy God who has pursued him with radical love of another kind.
So answer this question: How do you wear Jesus?

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We have a day of prayer and fasting every quarter. There are multiple purposes. We value prayer very highly and even though we have many different small groups that meet for prayer it is approrpriate that our whole family stop everything else we’re doing to come before God in worship and prayer. We make it a whole day because the discipline of fasting is very powerful. Fasting helps us disconnect from the world in a very real way so we can drink deeper of God. We will come together at 7:00 on Wednesday September 1 to worship and pray. We normally gather in small groups (although if you’re uncomfortable with that you can participate alone) and walk through the service together.
This time our theme is brokennes. God works through people that are broken before him. People who are broken have a humble spirit before God and respond to his leading. Proud peolpe normally just tell God what they think he should be doing. Some years ago I put together a list of 35 statements adapted from Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book “Brokennes; The Heart God Revives.” I will be sharing those statements on twitter and Facebook as we approach the concert of prayer. We’ll also make them available in paper form at the Next Steps Center.
Just in case you have a few moments now to examine yourself I will place them here as well. I hope you’ll join us on the 1st. If you’re new to walking in forgiveness with God, this is a great next step (and take the Foundations class!).

The Broken 35:
Read slowly and prayerful and ask God to show you the truth about yourself as it relates to pride and brokenness.

1. Proud people focus on the failures of other and can readily point out those faults. Broken people are more concerned about their own spiritual need that anyone else’s.
2. Proud people have a critical, fault finding spirit. They look at everyone else’s faults with a microscope but view their own with a telescope. Broken people are compassionate – they have the kind of love that overlooks a multitude of sins; they can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.
3. Proud people are especially prone to criticize people in positions of authority – their pastor, their boss, their husband, their parents – and they tend to talk to others about the faults they see. Broken people reverence, encourage, and lift up those that God has placed in positions of authority, and they talk to God in intercession, rather than gossiping about the faults they see in others.
4. Proud people are self-righteous; they think highly of themselves and look down on others. Broken people think the best of others; they esteem others as better than themselves.
5. Proud people have an independent self-sufficient sprit. Broken people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for God and for others
6. Proud people have to prove they are right. They have to get the last word. Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.
7. Proud people claim rights and have a demanding spirit. Broken people yield their rights and have a meek spirit.
8. Proud people are self-protective of their time, their rights and their reputation. Broken people are self-denying and self-sacrificing.
9. Proud people desire to be served they want life to revolve around them and their own needs. Broken people are motivated to serve others and to be sure others’ needs are met before their own.
10. Proud people desire to be known as a success. Broken people are motivated to be faithful and to make others successful.
11. Proud people have a feeling – conscious or subconscious – that “this ministry (or this organization) is privileged to have me and my gifts.” They focus on what they can do for God. Broken people have a heart attitude that says “I don’t deserve any part in this ministry”; they know that they have nothing to offer God except the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives.
12. Proud people crave self advancement. Broken people desire to promote others.
13. Proud people have a drive to be recognized and appreciated for their efforts. Broken people have a sense of their own unworthiness; they are thrilled that God would use them at all.
14. Proud people get wounded when others are promoted and they are overlooked. Broken people are eager for others to get the credit, and they rejoice when others are lifted up.
15. Proud people are elated by praise and deflated by criticism. Broken people know that any praise of their accomplishments belongs to the Lord and that criticism can help them grow into the spiritual maturity.
16. Proud people feel confident in how much they know. Broken people are humbled by how very much they have to learn.
17. Proud people are self-conscious; they worry about what others think of them. Broken people are not preoccupied with what others think of them
18. Proud people are concerned about appearing respectable, they are driven to protect their image and reputation. Broken people are concerned with being real; they care less about what others think than about what God knows – they are willing to die to their own reputation.
19. Proud people can’t bear to fail or for anyone to think they are less that perfect. This can drive them to extremes – workaholic tendencies, perfectionism, the tendency to drive other or to place unrealistic expectations on themselves or others. Broken people can recognize and live within God given limitations.
20. Proud people keep others at arms length. Broken people are willing to take the risks of getting close to others and loving intimately.
21. Proud people are quick to blame others. Broken people accept personal responsibility and can acknowledge where they were wrong in a situation.
22. Proud people wait for others to come and ask forgiveness when there is a misunderstanding or a break in a relationship. Broken people take the initiative to be reconciled no matter how wrong the other party may have been.
23. Proud people are unapproachable or defensive when corrected. Broken people receive correction with a humble, open spirit.
24. Proud people find it difficult to discuss their spiritual needs with others. Broken people are willing to open and transparent with others as God directs.
25. Proud people try to control the people and the circumstances around them – they are prone to manipulate. Broken people trust in God – they rest in Him and are able to wait for Him to work on their behalf.
26. Proud people become bitter and resentful when they are wronged; they have emotional temper tantrums; they hold others hostage and are easily offended; they carry grudges and keep a record of others wrongs. Broken people give thanks in all things; they are quick to forgive those who wrong them.
27. Proud people want to be sure no one finds out when they have sinned, their instinct is to cover up. Broken people aren’t overly concerned with who knows or who finds out about their sin – they are willing to be exposed because they have nothing to lose.
28. Proud people have a hard time saying “I was wrong; will you please forgive me?” Broken people are quick to admit their failure and to seek forgiveness when necessary.
29. Proud people tend to deal in generalities when confessing their sin to God (“Dear Lord, forgive me for all my sins…”) or expressing spiritual need to others (“I need to be a better Christian…”) Broken people are able to acknowledge specifics when confessing sin: “Lord I agree with You that I love myself more than I love my mate; I confess that I’m addicted to television; I’m a glutton; I have a critical spirit; I am angry…”)
30. Proud people are concerned about the consequences of their sin. They are disturbed over the problems caused by their sin – for example, the financial bondage created by their overspending, or the problems in their marriage that have resulted from selfishness and immoral choices. Broken people are grieved over the cause, the root of their sin, they are more concerned about how their sin has grieved the heart of God than about the problems it has created in their lives.
31. Proud people are remorseful over their sin – sorry that they got caught or found out. Broken people are truly repentant over their sin, and the evidence of their repentance is that they forsake the sin.
32. Proud people are blind to the true condition of their hearts. Broken people walk in the light and acknowledge the truth about their lives.
33. Proud people compare themselves with others and feel worthy of respect. Broken people compare themselves with the holiness of God and feel a desperate need for his mercy.
34. Proud people don’t think they need to repent of anything. Broken people realize that they need to maintain a continual heart attitude of repentance.
35. Proud people don’t think they need revival, but they are sure everyone else does (In fact, right now they are making a mental list of the people they think need to read this list!). Broken people continually sense their need for a fresh encounter with God and for a fresh filling of His Spirit.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
James 4:10 (NIV)

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7/10/10
I was visiting with my parents this morning at their RV. We talked briefly about my grandfather. He was one of my heroes. A very bright man with a great heart for God, my grandfather died just over 25 years ago. If he were alive today he’d be over 100 years old. My mom made a remark that caused me to pause. She said that if he came back to the world as it is today, he wouldn’t want to stay. I think that was an understatement. The world is changing so fast. Our culture is becoming more and more viciously anti-God, at least anti-God if that God is holy and punishes sin. We love a God that is all love but has no wrath, but, alas, that God does not exist.
Just today on a quick check of foxnews.com to see what’s happening in the world I saw three headlines that only a few years ago would have been unthinkable.
The first was that a professor at the University of Illinois was fired after he shared with his students that he agreed with the teaching of the Catholic Church that homosexual intercourse was immoral. The course was about Catholicism. He was fired for engaging in hate speech.
The second was about a pastor who was acting as the chaplain of the North Carolina state house of representatives. He was fired because he refused to remove the name of Jesus from the end of his prayer. He was told that some people would be offended by mentioning Jesus in his prayer.
The third story was about a proposed sex-education program in Montana that begins in Kindergarten. Yes, you read that correctly. The program would include teaching first graders that people can be attracted to other people of the same sex, and by ten years old the kids would be learning about different types of sexual intercourse.
This sounds like some apocalypse. Unfortunately, it isn’t. You can read stories like these and worse every day now.
How should a Christian respond? How should our church respond? Our passion runs deep, both for God and for our country. Part of the problem comes when we try to make those two things the same thing. God is not American, and our beloved United States is not our God. Our country is not a Christian nation by any means. Whether or not that was at one time true probably doesn’t matter anymore, our country is hostile to the biblical expression of our faith.
The good news is our faith is no stranger to civil governments trying to thwart it. In fact, the faith grows deeper and broader when being persecuted. The United States is no longer the world leader in Christianity, not by a long shot. The church in Latin America, Asia and Africa is far ahead of us in so many ways and those believers are accustomed to being severely persecuted for the cause of Christ.
The bottom line for me is that I have to make sure that every day I affirm where my real loyalty lies and that is in Heaven with God. That is exactly what Paul was talking about when he wrote to the Colossians and said “set your sites on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. (3:1-3)”
Far too many of us have our real hope on earth in all kinds of things that won’t last. We need to pray for ourselves what Paul prayed for these Christ followers at Colossae; “We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while you will grow as you learn to know God better and better (1:9-10)”
So the real question for you and I today is where is our real hope today, right now? Let’s be intentional about placing that hope in the only real thing and the only real place that is sure….

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One of the most popular questions in this year’s Q&A series was “Where are we in the biblical calendar in relation to end time events?”
Here is my honest answer: I have no clue. I’m guessing, however that, that response will not be sufficient so let me elaborate.
Here is what I know for sure: Jesus is coming back again and he’s taking his church (all those who are redeemed by grace through faith) back to heaven with him. The issues and options surrounding when Jesus is coming back are extremely complex. I don’t claim to be an authority on prophecy and have not spent a great deal of time studying it. I do recognize, however, that many people are passionate about this area of study and so here are some thoughts and resources to guide us as a family:
• Be careful. I’ve seen some pretty ugly fights over prophecy. Some folks hold so tightly and arrogantly to their perspective that they make this a fellowship issue. It isn’t. There are people on both sides of the issue that are smarter and more informed that you or I. Hold your perspective humbly (not necessarily loosely, but humbly).
• Know what you’re talking about. Because you might have heard someone talk about one side of this debate and you thought it was a good presentation doesn’t mean you agree with that side. You don’t know what your perspective is until you can articulate the perspective of those on the other side. Then you find what you think are the flaws in their exegesis and logic and go from there. If you haven’t done that, then you shouldn’t express a perspective because you don’t have one. What you have is someone else’s perspective that you’ve adopted. There’s nothing really wrong with that, just be honest about it. John Piper does a great job of explaining the options and his perspective here. You’ll find some great articles on the pre-tribulational perspective here. And, this is a great site for those looking to learn about post-tribulation study. A third option put forward by Marv Rosenthal and others is mid-tribulation rapture and you can learn about that here.
• Keep your hands to the task. Regardless of whether you’re pre-trib, post-trib, or mid-trib our mission is the same. Win disciples for Jesus today.
• Be ready. Jesus is coming back. Be ready. I’m not just talking about making sure you’re in Christ. I’m talking about living a surrendered life of radical Christ centeredness where you’re beside yourself with excitement to give your report to our commanding officer. If your interest in prophecy distracts you from fighting in the war, you’re missing the point!

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My bride, Brenda, is working on her degree. She is about half way finished and this summer she’s taking 18 credits. One of her classes is called Death and Dying. It’s supposed to be a study of the way different cultures and belief systems deal with our mortality.

The prof for this course is an interesting guy. His lectures are saturated with vulgar profanity. This self-described atheist says he fits most with the existentialist crowd as he brags about cursing while giving a eulogy at a friend’s funeral in a church. I think I could best describe Bren as frustrated when she comes home from this class. Discussion is not valued and the material, as presented from this prof, seems contradictory as does his world view. He is a bit of a bully as a prof, shutting down student questions and interactions. To say he is hostile to Christianity would be very mild as he sarcastically makes fun of God and those who follow Him.

Well, yesterday when Bren got home I could tell she was a bit shaken. For part of their class yesterday the prof read with sarcastic cynisism from sections of Catch 22, a satirical novel about death that basically makes the point that life is a catch 22. I think I would describe Bren as disturbed as she thought through some of the things that were said. The rampant blasphemy of God was making her angry. Her powerlessness to intervene was frustrating her.

We enjoyed a family meal together which always includes tons of laughter and is the highlight of having the boys home for the summer and after about two hours or so we cleared the table. As the sun was setting I was outside with the dogs when Bren came out and just hugged me for a few minutes and asked if we could walk for a bit. As we walked the first words she shared were “I feel so very bad for him.” Then she started to cry. She talked about people going to hell and how lonely it must be to live with such a bankrupt world view. Her anger and frustration were replaced with compassion and prayer that God would open his eyes to truth.

I was reminded of the section of Matthew 24 where Jesus is yet again pressed by crowds of needy, unbelieving people and Matthew tells us that what he felt was compassion. What he did was teach them.

I was convicted in my own spirit that far too often what I feel for those that are victims of Satan’s warfare is not compassion. Sometimes I judge them, other times I just get frustrated and don’t want to be bothered by the considerable effort it can take to see past the surface noise to the truth and meet them where they are with patience and grace.

Anything less is a poor reflection of God’s heart. I needed to be reminded of that.

How about you?

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At ebc we’re about one thing; helping people meet God; for life. The ‘for life’ part of our mission is important. It means that we’re not simply interested in introducing people to Jesus or getting them to a certain beginning point in a relationship with him. We want to help people move toward total surrender of all that they are to Jesus and His will for their lives. We believe that the abundant life that Jesus said he came to provide (John 10:10) begins as we surrender at deeper and deeper levels.

The question is how does that happen?

A bunch of smart people have been studying that very question for the last seven or eight years. When their research was first published I decided to take a wait and see approach. It was a relatively small study at that point and, while it struck me as true, I wasn’t comfortable depending on it until it became much broader.

Since that first study the researchers have received funding to study a very large cross section of evangelical followers of Christ across the whole country. In total, over 700,000 believers from protestant churches took part. I have spent quite a bit of time digesting every line of the research report and thinking through what it might mean for us as a family. I have written a summary of the research report for our elders and staff and we’re all thinking through how this valuable information can help us improve at maturing Christ followers.

I thought it might be helpful to give you a snapshot of some of the things the research confirmed.

 

For purposes of understanding the research think about spiritual growth in terms of three movements.

The first movement is early spiritual growth. In this movement the individual moves from simply believing in God to trusting Jesus as Savior and Lord.

The second movement is intermediate spiritual growth. In this movement the individual comes to terms with trusting Jesus with their life (not just their religious life). They work through issues like generosity, submission to Scripture and having their very identity anchored in Christ.

The third movement is advanced growth. This is the stage during which spiritual growth is most rapid. During this stage individuals begin to see their very lives as opportunities to build a legacy for the glory of God. A person in this stage would say they are surrendered to Christ and exist to know, love and serve him.

 

The crucial question becomes: what catalysts move people from one movement to the next?

Here is a brief snapshot of what the research reveals:

·         Serving is the most catalytic experience offered by the church. Serving, more than any other thing forces us to deal with the realities of life and faith. It helps us build relationships with people that we can learn from and invest in. Serving is fundamentally important.

·         Personal reflection on Scripture is the number one catalyst across all movements. Reflecting on Scripture is the next step just beyond studying the Bible. It is that step that asks… what does this passage reveal about me? What does it reveal about God? How must I surrender and change because of this passage?

·         The catalytic power of the church is primarily limited to the first two movements. Once a person understands the basic truths of the faith the corporate church has less influence over future growth. From that point, personal mentoring, reflection, surrender and study become the catalysts for life-long spiritual fruit. In movement three growth is stoked internally, it becomes the outworking of beliefs that have become intensely personal and formative.

·         Spiritual community (small groups) is a catalyst for spiritual growth, but this happens primarily because people meet close friends in small groups and those close friendships, centered on Christ, become transforming relationships.

·         The single greatest catalyst moving people from movement two to movement three is participating in evangelism.

·         The most important aspect of movement two is moving from a “depending on the church” relationship with Christ to a more active, personal, close relationship with Christ (we’ve called that self-feeding).

·         Adult education is very important in movement two.

 

What does this mean for us?

In a broad sense there are four major points that I’ve been working through with our leaders.

1.       The church is a coach that works to move people forward.

2.       We need to be radical about finding more ways to challenge people to become disciples of Jesus.

3.       We must provide solid ‘next-step’ learning opportunities to launch people through movements one and two and send them toward movement three.

4.       We have to become much better at providing meaningful opportunities for service and community at every stage of growth.

 

I’ve been investing much of my time in developing a curriculum to move people from movement to movement. The foundations course that is starting in June is a part of that curriculum. There is much more to come. The overall plan has already been revised by the staff once with several more revisions to come. The elders have had two conversations about this process as well and they will be looking at the curriculum suggestions in June. Please pray with us as we try to improve moving people to full maturity in Christ. This is one of our key projects for this year and my prayer is that God will continue to lead us to much greater effectiveness for his glory.

 

Thanks for your part in glorifying God by helping people meet Him, for life!

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I promised to give some simple ideas about things parents can do to build intimacy and trust in family relationships. There are hundreds of great ideas to accomplish this, these are just a couple that Bren and I have used in our family.

• Meal times are perfect times for building family relationships. It’s important, I think, no matter how busy you are to have family meals as often as possible, at least a few times every week if you can’t do it every day. I even think bowing out of commitments in order to preserve family meals times is worth it. The years when you can effectively lay the foundation for intimacy and trust are a pretty short season of life and worth doing what you need to do to make it happen. So our meal times became fun times. Even now, when the boys are home, we sit around the table for up to two hours or so and just talk and laugh together and let me tell you, that’s awesome! It’s natural for the boys to do that because that is what we did while they were growing up, at least until the teen years when things get a bit m ore hectic. At meal times we’d just think up games to keep positive conversation going. We are always passionate about teaching our guys to see the good in people (Philippians 4:8) so we’d play something like “What do you appreciate most about the person to your right?” or “Who surprised you today by doing something really cool that you didn’t expect?” “What was the best thing about your day and why?” Obviously sometimes we’d throw in questions that were just fun to keep the game fun.
• Become a champion encourager. This is so important. Kids will blossom through encouragement so much faster than negative correction. I’m not saying you shouldn’t correct, you absolutely need to do that. However, by championing the good things that your kids are doing and being, you’ll encourage the behavior and attitudes that you want to see and your kids really do want to please you. Encouragement is much more powerful that punishment.
• Fetterolf 5 Time. Normally, at least once each week we had a family night. We didn’t have cable when our guys were small so we’d rent a movie or watch one we owned, make some pop corn, and enjoy the evening. The boys loved family nights, the games, the wrestling, whatever we did was a byproduct of just being together and enjoying each other. In our family Brenda was a master at inventing games with whatever happened to be around. In Brenda’s creative world a roll of paper towells could become a great game. You don’t have to spend money to have great family nights. We didn’t have any money. During this chapter of our lives I earned between $600 and $2000 per month from our church. I drove bus and taught part time in a Christian school to make ends meet. We didn’t have extra money and we really didn’t need any. It’s about the relationships.
• Birthday letters. Perhaps one of the most meaningful things that happens between my guys and me is their annual birthday letter. I hand write about two pages where I tell them what I see in them and what I’m excited about in them. Sometimes I have shared things that concern me that I think they need to address. I also write letters to them on other defining occasions like graduation and I’m sure, when it happens, weddings.
• Man Moments. We were always on the look out for attitudes that magnified Jesus and encouraged someone else. When one of our guys had one of those moments we stopped the world and celebrated it. One of us would just say “Man Moment!” Then we’d back up and let the boys know what we saw, how that made us feel, and what that kind of behavior or attitude would mean as that young man grew into manhood. Any kind of selflessness or placing others needs before personal needs was celebrated if we caught it. Boys, and I’m guessing any kids, love to be celebrated and a hearty high five combined with some well placed words after a good job goes a long way. I should say however, we were careful not to simply celebrate good performance. We never made a big deal out of honor rolls or all-star teams or any of that stuff. We congratulated those things, but those kinds of things have more to do with ability than character. We wanted to develop character. If solid character is developed, ability will take care of itself.
• Bed time was a big deal too. As the boys grew out of the baby stage, bed time was my deal. I would tuck the boys in, speak quietly into their lives about how they made feel as a dad or we’d review the day and establish peace in their hearts and then I’d pray for them. I often put my hands on my guys as I prayed and I was intentional about just blessing them. Then we’d sing the “shut-up song” (“Close your eyes and shut your mouth its time to go to sleep. Get our of bed I’ll break your head so shut-up and go to sleep!”). Sometimes we’d also sing a song about having a boogie stuck in your nose that you couldn’t get out because it froze! It was fun. If I was traveling while the boys were small, sometimes Bren would invite them to sleep in the “big bed” together with her and they enjoyed a giggling  experience together. Cool stuff.

This could go on for quite some time, but I think you get the philosophy behind the things we did in our family. You’ll have to come up with things that work for you in your situation, but whatever you do, find a way to encourage intimacy and trust between the members of your family.

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My middle son Seth, has always been a pretty special kid. I know I’m biased, but tough, I’m also right! His kindergarten teacher told us he’d be a favorite if his teachers through the years and they were right. Seth has always been a disciplined hard working student who achieved. He was captain of his football team in high school, plays football in college and participated in lots of other things, he graduated from high school with high honors.

It has always been Seth’s dream to be a fighter pilot. Even when he was a preschooler he’d talk about wanting to fly planes. It was his dream and the dream never died. There was, however, a complicating factor. We found out early on, during or just before kindergarten, that Seth had very poor site in one of his eyes. When I say poor, I mean very poor. He started wearing glasses very early on and then transitioned to contact lenses a little later (that’s a whole other story). Sometimes Seth would wonder if he’d ever be able to fly a plane in the Air Force because of his poor sight. We always encouraged him to keep the dream because you just never know what God will do with technology.

During Seth’s senior year he began the daunting process of applying to the Air Force Academy. What a process! Medical exams, eye tests, fitness evaluations, essays, congressional recommendations I thought it would never end. But alas, after all that Seth got a letter from the Air Force academy that he was qualified to attend and they’d let him know if he was chosen from among the others. Out of the something like thirteen thousand applicants, only about two thousand were qualified, but only 1300 would be offered a slot. Later Seth got a letter saying that he was not going to be offered a slot, but was on the waiting list. For a bit we thought the dream was dead. But Seth enrolled at Wilkes University in the mechanical engineering program and joined their ROTC program. He competed with other cadets and, after only the first semester won a full scholarship. It seemed to be the best of both worlds, Air Force leadership training, the opportunity to keep playing football and a free degree. The dream stayed alive.

Seth is now finishing his second year in ROTC. Last summer he was selected to travel to Colorado and earn his jump wings… another step closerto his dream. This summer he’ll be going south to complete officers field training.

Several weeks ago Seth called to say that if he’s going to get approved to be a pilot he needs a waiver because of his poor eye sight. He said his vision would have to be correctible to 20:20. It was a multi-step process. First he’d get new glasses (no contacts allowed for this part) for a few weeks for his eyes to take their normal shape. Then he’d go through a series of measurements to see if it was possible get his vision to 20:20 with Lasik or some other surgery. After his first visit the doctor told him he thought it was impossible for his left eye to see 20:20. We were disappointed but we prayed. I sent an email to his brothers and asked them to pray. We all prayed that if the waiver were the best thing for Seth that God would do a miracle and make it happen.

Yesterday was the second stage in the process. Seth went to have his eyes measured to find out that, in fact, they can get his left eye to see 20:20. My heart jumped! But then came the second piece of news. In order to get the Air Force waiver one can only have astigmatism to 3.0, Seth’s is 4.5. Game over.

Seth called to tell us that a pilot’s waiver seemed out of the question right now. He may be able to get a level two waiver which will open other doors for him, but not the pilot’s seat.

My heart sank. I told Seth I was so very sorry. But he didn’t seem angry or even all that disappointed. He just said “It is what it is; and we’ll keep going. I will investigate my other options and see what is available“.

Now, I’m sure Seth is disappointed, but I’m also sure he won’t camp out there. Why not? Because there is too much living to do and camping in disappointment will rob him of the living he can be doing today. But there is another reason. I think Seth realizes that life is a mist and it’s a journey. There are steps marked out for us and we can fundamentally and radically trust the designer of those life steps.

Here’s the thing. You have to learn to trust and enjoy the designer, to a greater degree than the passion you feel for your dream. A dream is a romanticized hope for the future. But with God we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother, loves us more than our natural parents and can actually see the future and knows how we best fit for his glory. It really is a can’t lose situation, if you trust.

So go ahead and dream, but trust more than you dream. You’ll be glad you did.

 

UPDATE: 4/8/10: Just heard from Seth that the Air Force approved his Lasik and will make a decision on any waiver for his vision after the surgery.

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First things first: start with the end in mind.

 

I’ve been asked to blog about practical ways that Bren and I have used to build family relationships both in our marriage and as parents. So this will become a few different blogs with different ideas. However, more important than specific ideas that you can use is the orientation of your heart toward building deep, intimate relationship first between you and your spouse, and then between you and your children.

The primary relationship in our house was and is between Brenda and I. Our relationship sets the tone for our house and is the defining relationship in our home. We have always been openly affectionate with each other in the presence of our boys. We went to great lengths to communicate that we would never get divorced, no matter what. We did not have a kid centered house. Our boys knew they were cherished and deeply, unconditionally loved. Our house was active, affirming, and very fun and the boys knew we were committed to uncovering what God-breathed into them in terms of their gifts and personalities.  However, they also knew that the whole purpose of our parenting was to launch them onto the adventure of loving God with their whole lives and that that would entail leaving our house.

I’ve blogged previously about teaching your kids how to be happy and about parenting being about launching. I still believe those concepts to be central to good parenting, even though the launching phase is so crazy hard. I give my boys a “you are launched” letter on the day of their high school graduation. That letter, normally written through tears, serves to let them know that our relationship is going to be different from that day forward. It is not a surprise to them; in fact they get pretty excited about it because we’ve spent years preparing for it. But having said that, I cried through two states after dropping Jake off at Crown College in Minnesota, two years later after dropping Seth off at Wilkes University I mourned again, for days. And, I’m sure when Caleb leaves for college just over a year from now I will mourn again. When they come home for a break and the “Fetterolf Five” are together, only to leave again, I mourn all over. Jake is 22 years old now, and Seth is 20. I mentor them, encourage them, sometimes block for them but mostly, I cheer for them. I’m still the dad, and they are still the sons and they are responsible to me because I’m still providing partially for them as they work through college, but we are transitioning to becoming friends. That is awesome.

I think the orientation of a parent’s heart toward their children; especially that of the father, has got to be toward launching those kids as Jesus warriors in the world. The goal is not to be the buddy of your kids. Your job is not to make your kids happy. Your job is to lead your kids, not simply enjoy them. Parenting is not about your personal fulfillment, it’s about launching warriors for Jesus. Keep your eye on the goal. There is nothing cool about a 30 year old dude who still doesn’t know who he is and hasn’t moved out of his parent’s home.

 

It’s impossible to raise a successful adult that doesn’t follow Jesus. If you launch a high earning, well educated person who smells nice and wears designer sneakers but doesn’t love Jesus you’ve failed. Conversely if you launch a high school drop-out that barely gets by financially, but lives with integrity and loves Jesus, ultimately, you’ve won! If you don’t believe those previous three sentences you’re going to be a terrible parent. You will end up producing an individual that thinks their worth is based on their performance (It isn’t).    

So the building of relationship between a parent, particularly a father, and children is for the purpose of building trust, not simply becoming buddies. All leadership is based on trust, including parenting. So, mom and dad, don’t ever lie to your kids. Teach them to trust you regardless of what the truth is. Trust matters first. They’ll never follow you to Jesus if they don’t trust you. Don’t do anything that would undermine the trust of your kids.

The first step of developing deeper, more meaningful family relationships is to understand the purpose of those relationships. The purpose is to build trust in your leadership so you can launch Jesus warriors in the world.

Creative ideas for building relationships are useless unless you’re committed to the real purpose of the relationship in the first place. Even your family relationships aren’t about you. They’re about God, his glory, and his Kingdom. And, that is very good news.

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